Numbing Silence (or the reason I had writer’s block)

It’s been almost 3 months since I last posted a piece of writing on my blog.

Given the tumultuous events in August, one can be forgiven for taking some time off.

Initially I thought the reason I struggled to write anything meaningful in the past few months was because I’d been taken aback by the surge in readership and the outpouring of heartfelt emotions in response to my last 2 blog posts. I was truly touched – some told me that they had read and re-read my blogs in the past few months because it touched them and inspired them. Others told me of how they had come to tears reading my blogs (including a few brave men who were not afraid to shed some tears). The depth of the emotional chords that my last blogs struck took me by surprise.  How was I to follow on from that? It felt daunting and words were not forthcoming.

I now realized it wasn’t exactly that. The magnitude of the challenge has never daunted me in the past and would contrarily probe me to rise to the occasion. So why should it now? As a near and dear colleague had astutely said to me at the end of a team-building karaoke session recently, I would pick up the mic when everyone else passed because I could never resist a challenge (and she was right as I did get into the action performing a fast and furious rendition of “Ice Ice Baby” when I was not even much of a rapper to begin with).

My writer’s block happened and persisted because I stopped allowing myself to feel deeply. Unknowingly, unconsciously, soon after my ex’s funeral, I’d numbed myself in order to focus on supporting my children through the weeks post and to be able to focus on my work. I probably only allowed myself brief snatches of moments to be “not okay” before soldiering on again, moving forward in the fog of sadness.

I know that now because I recently in the last two weeks started feeling intense bouts of sadness, because I (initially unconsciously) allowed myself to indulge in intense spoonfuls of joy (sadness and happiness are after all just opposite ends of the same tree if you have come across Osho’s quote). And the words and cacophony of inspired thoughts came cascading after.

To write I suppose is thus to feel. And you can’t write without opening your heart to the gamut of human emotions both the good and the bad, the joy and the pain, the light and the dark.

And so today, I write once more. And I trade numbing silence for heartfelt writing. Bring on the waves of emotions crashing on the shores of my consciousness and write on!

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