ATM = Always Trust Magic

Posted on March 22, 2017 by sticky rice

ATM = Always Trust Magic. Pay attention to those magnificent moments where purpose and random happenstance seem to intersect. ~ Amy Krouse Rosenthal.

Magic happened today.

A few days ago, a parent of one of the kids I am a catechist of in Church asked to meet with me as she was having some issues with her child’s behavior at home.

Walking into the café where we had agreed to meet, I was worried that I might be setting myself up for failure and would only be able to offer limited help. Whilst I was prepared to provide a listening ear, I had already prepared myself to tell her that I was not in a position to dispense advice on family issues as I am not a trained family counsellor or therapist. Neither was I going to be able to share much about what we talk about in catechism sessions as that would violate the trust that I have built over the years with the children in my group.

As the conversation flowed, I listened and empathized with the woman across the table from me. She was facing some of the same challenges that I am having with my oldest child who is the same age as hers. I offered her some examples of things that I have done with my child that have worked, as ideas she might consider.

Over the hour, I must have created a safe enough environment that she suddenly took a deep breathe and confided in me the personal challenges she was facing in her health and at her workplace. And I found myself in familiar territory, able to coach her and help her to uncover for herself the self-limiting beliefs that might have penned her in and kept her from becoming her best self, which would also have affected her personal relationship with her child at home.

In the second hour, together we peeled back the layers of fear and beliefs that have been holding her back from addressing her health problems. And looking into her eyes, I could see the shifts happening in her head and the puzzle pieces clicking into place. And the moment is magic. And you know it’s not a shift that is going to snap back to old ways of thinking and old habits, but a shift that is going to be fundamental. And with that shift, the world already starts to becomes a better place.

As we parted ways, I was brimming with pure joy.

Is this a typical day? Can this be a typical day? I asked myself.

Well, no and yes. I believe all of us are presented with many moments like these every day, poignant with potential for magic. All that it requires is that we choose to slow down and recognize the moment and do something to make magic happen. Will you trust the magic?

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Little sprouts of faith

Posted on March 21, 2017 by sticky rice

We ended the Sec 3 retreat for the kids in my church on Sunday. 4 days of a stay-in retreat with 100+ highly energetic 15 year olds. Somehow, “retreat” and “energetic teenagers” seem like an oxymoron.

So that was what I did counting down 6606 to 6603 days left to live. And whilst it was a continuously evolving program with changes every few hours and massive sleep deprivation (I slept a total of 7 hours over 3 days, 2 hours of which were in a car), a sore throat (from shouting out instructions over the din of constant chatter) and a lot of herding, it was worth it.

It wasn’t just 4 days though. The journey that I have been on with these kids started more than 2 years ago. It was in January 2015 that I first met the 14 kids, then small and scrawny 12-13 year olds, who I would facilitate and catechize to for the next 3 years. I remember that whilst most of them have been in primary level catechism as classmates, they were awkward around each other.

Fast forward and today, they are almost all of them taller than me, with a few of the boys towering over me. And the seeds of faith that have been lovingly planted and watered every Friday evening have sprouted their tentative shoots. They are a tight-knit group now who would joke and banter with each other and who felt free to affirm and support each other.

I remember 13 year olds who were conscious and awkwardly stiff at praise and worship sessions. At the end of this retreat, the same kids, now 15 year old, were screaming at the top of their lungs and bobbing up and down in human chains around the hall as we sang songs of praise. I was bobbing along with them even if I am probably getting too old to be doing this. To see them loving God and each other makes all the social life I gave up on Friday evenings worthwhile and I was brimming with pride and love for them.

And by the end of this year, my job done, I will no longer be facilitating them on Fridays as their formal catechism program ends and it becomes their own responsibility to keep going on their faith journey together. I can’t believe that I am feeling sad about the impending end of my time with them, they have become so much a part of my life as I have become theirs. And yet, they may still pepper my days ahead with joy and hope as I hope they become inspired to serve in the church and who knows, may one day be my partners-in-faith in growing another batch of young seedlings.

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With 6605 days left, why am I celebrating Lent?

Posted on March 17, 2017 by sticky rice

6605 days isn’t a small number, that is at least 18 years with a few weeks left over. That this is a finite number ticking down 1 day at a time can be sobering though. And interestingly, 6605 days seems a lot less than 18 years plus to me … (another topic to reflect over for another post).

With a finite number of days left to savour the world, why am I then fasting for Lent? Shouldn’t I just eat whatever I want since I will not have all the time in the world? Ironically, vampires (if they do exist) have all the time in the world, but only 1 item that they consume for all time (which is really depressing if you think about it).

Usually, for the 40 days of Lent, from Ash Wednesday till Good Friday, I would abstain from something – usually a meal a day, though I have also given up gaming before.

I used to go into the Lenten season thinking that I am “observing” Lent. And Catholics do refer to these acts as part of Lenten observances. It can seem like a weighty obligation viewed in this light, more so against a backdrop of a ticking clock. And that view defeats the true intention of Lent.

This year, I went into Lent with a different premise: it’s about coming home to and becoming closer to someone I love deeply (God). Abstinence without that central premise at its core is just a vanilla diet plan.

In this light, I can see how abstinence is the practice of discipline to master my physical desires and wants beyond just the meal I gave up. And this practice of discipline takes place in the context of my family and the wider church community which draws me closer to God.

Viewed as a homecoming to a person I very much love, the Lenten “observances” start to feel joyous as a way to help me abide in God. It is a celebration of my love and an expression of my desire be with God. With only a finite number of opportunities to celebrate Lent, why shouldn’t I?

 

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I’ve finally done it, not once but twice over. I got tattooed.

Posted on March 16, 2017 by sticky rice

I’d been thinking about it now for a few yearstattoo-parlour.jpg, but somehow never even got close enough to a tattoo palour to smell a whiff of the ink in the air or to hear the buzz of the tattoo pen. You’d think with my ENFP personality, the P-part of me would have jumped right in if I had just held the thought of a tattoo for more than a day in my head. But something always held me back and it wasn’t the fear of the pain of the needle. Heck, I gave birth to 3 of my 4 kids without using any pain-relieving drugs！

Well, reading AKR’s philosophy towards living and calculating how many days I had left to live two days ago finally did it for me. Since I had always wanted to get a tattoo, why wait another day longer. After all, you pay the price and endure the pain once, so wouldn’t you want to amortize the expense and pain over more days to make it more worthwhile？tattoo

And the “what” to tattoo was clear. Recently, two events moved me so seismically, they shook me to my core and were epiphanies for me. The first event was breaking bread with my catechism group over Matthew 5:43-48 about a month back. So Mt 5:43-48 became my first tattoo, inked beautifully into the inside wrist of my left arm.

The second was related to the post I wrote two days back. Towards the end of her love letter to her husband of 26 years, AKR talked about how in the time before her diagnosis, she had invited her readers to send in suggestions for matching tattoos, as an idea to bond the author and a reader together by ink on skin. The word “more”, submitted by a 62-year-old librarian in Milwaukee named Paulette, was the one picked by the author. It was the author’s first spoken word and it also captured in her dying days her wish for more time with her loved ones and more time to live life’s little pleasures.

more. 4 tiny letters that stirred such a deep yearning in me to live more, see more, do more, and … love more. And now, 4 tiny letters that are etched on my chest, close to my  heart as a daily reminder for the next 6606 days to do exactly that.

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6607 days left: My bucket list

Posted on March 15, 2017 by sticky rice

Yesterday in my blog post, I talked about how I estimated that I would have 6608 days left to live, assuming I live to the age of 60 and how I planned to make more and deeper footprints. Continuing on that frame, today with 6607 days left, here is my bucket list:

  1. Get a tattoo
  2. Publish a book
  3. Publish a cookbook
  4. Take a powerboat license
  5. Learn to speak basic Spanish, Portuguese, French, Cantonese and Japanese
  6. Learn sign language
  7. Log 1,000 dives
  8. Spot a whale shark while diving
  9. Swim with manta rays
  10. Swim with barracudas
  11. Swim with dolphins in the open ocean
  12. Skinny-dip off a boat in the open sea under a full moon
  13. Jump off a plane (strapped tandem to a skydiving instructor)
  14. Get to Mt Everest base camp
  15. Complete a marathon
  16. Kiss someone on top of the Eiffel Tower
  17. Kiss someone on top of the Empire State Building
  18. Travel overnight on the Orient Express
  19. Cruise to Alaska
  20. Visit the Grand Canyon
  21. See the Northern Lights
  22. Sleep in an Ice Hotel
  23. Have dinner at an oasis in the desert
  24. Go cross country horse back riding
  25. Samba in Brazil (preferably at Carnival)
  26. Stay overnight in an African safari
  27. Take an RV holiday
  28. Visit all 7 Wonders of the World (3 down 4 to go)
  29. Make a pilgrimage to Lourdes
  30. Make a pilgrimage to the Porziuncola in Assisi
  31. Help build an orphanage
  32. Help build a library
  33. Fall in love (again)
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6608 days till the day i die…so what am i going to do about it?

Posted on March 14, 2017 by sticky rice

Yesterday, Amy Krouse Rosenthal passed away and the world lost a lover. She wrote beautiful children books and gave the world a generous heaping of food for thought in her films, social experiments and TED talks. And she wrote the most beautiful memoir ever of her love story with her husband of 26 years even as she laid on her deathbed. It was a fairy tale love story that the world sorely needs in this day of casual sex, friends with benefits and instant marriages-instant divorce.

One of the things she did when she turned 40 was to begin calculating the number of days she had left till she turned 80. And she asked: “How many more times, then, do I get to look at a tree? Let’s just say it’s 12,395. Absolutely, that’s a lot, but it’s not infinite, and I’m thinking anything less than infinite is too small a number and not satisfactory. At the very least, I want to look at trees a million more times. Is that too much to ask?”

Inspired by her zeal for life, I decided to make the same calculation and live each day with the number counting down in my head. But I am going to assume that I only have 60 years and anything after is a blessing of another day more. That gives me as of today 6608 days to live. And that’s not a lot.

There was once not so long ago when I was in a workshop where we were asked to identify our deepest fear and write it down on a piece of paper, and share it with others  if we were comfortable. I dug deep and peeled back the layers of fear and came face to face with what was my deepest darkest fear. And here is what I wrote: “That I never existed.”

People in the room were puzzled and wondered what it meant. My explanation: That I have lived on this earth and walked on the dirt and when I pass on, my footprints are gone, any evidence of my existence blown away by the winds of time.

So here it is, 6608 days left to make more footprints, to make deeper footprints, before they start to get blown away into oblivion. And here is the beginning of my plans of little everyday things to do to make more footprints:

  • Write a blog every day = 6,608 more stories to share with the world
  • Give 10 hugs a day = 66,080 hugs to give to the world
  • Kiss my girls goodnight (at least two kisses each) =  52,684 kisses to give to my princesses
  • Tell my girls and my mom “I love you” everyday = 33,040 “I Love You”s to those that really matter to me
  • Fold a crane a day = 6,608 wishes of hope
  • To have at least one good laugh a day = 6,608 releases of endorphins and feel good sunshine moments
  • Look at the blue sky and find shapes in the clouds everyday = that’s at least 6608 more shapes to discover
  •  Say thank you to a random stranger every day for their act of kindness to me or someone else = that’s affirming someone and making their day 6,608 times
  • Do a random act of kindness myself for a random stranger = 6,608 chances to pay it forward

The day is fast winding down, it’s time to start making footprints…

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Moments like these make it all worthwhile.

Posted on March 14, 2017 by sticky rice

I sometimes get angry or tired or angry and tired at my girls. They can be such a drainer on energy and patience at times. But then, once every so often, I get blessed (maybe blasted!)with a simple moment of pure love from them, when I least expect it. And I forget all the frustrations and tiredness and instead, am so sweetly reminded of my vocation as a mother and how it is all so worth it in the end.

cranesTonight, when I walked out of my room after a conference call to get a snack, I was accosted by a family of cranes sitting on the dining table flying in formation. In the silence of the night, as my girls lay sleeping and I lay awake working, it brought such a big grin to my face, melted the weariness away from my bones and lifted my spirits.

Yes, my kids are a handful and it means I don’t get a lot of time to myself, that my home is always way too noisy, that my clothes and bags often get smudged by dirty hands, that I always have to carry packs of tissues and wet wipes in overladen “mom-bags”… But at the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, not when there are cranes to look forward to.

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A tribute to the village of women who supported me and lifted me up

Posted on March 9, 2017 by sticky rice

It had been a roller coaster ride of 4 years leaving my ex-husband and pulling through an epic divorce. And on this International Women’s Day, I wish to acknowledge all the wonderful, strong and beautiful women who were there to be my personal role models, cheerleaders, shoulders to cry on, assuring hug givers, and just overall amazing women who believed in me. I wouldn’t be where I am today without each and everyone of you.

My mom – words cannot express how much she loved me through the entire mess of my divorce and was always there for me no matter what.

My 4 beautiful daughters – for the faith they had in me to bring them safely through stormy waters to sheltered harbors.

My aunt (Amite SQ) – she watched me grow up and was a pillar of strength for my mom and I, especially when I was reading through all those horrible affidavits.

My cousin (Susanna) – who helped baby-sit my kids in the few months immediately after and was their “big sister” at a most difficult time

My domestic helper (Gloria) – who kept me nourished when I didn’t want to eat and who prayed for me.

My lawyer (Carol) – who has a heart of gold and was not just my defender but a steady pair of hands and an objective voice guiding me through all the crazy court hijinks.

My guardians (Shinder and Iesha) – I was blessed with 2 of the most amazing managers in Microsoft who believed in me and never let me go in my deepest darkest hours.

My “evil twin” (Clare) – my biggest cheerleader through it all

My sage (Dana-Leigh) – always had a wise word for me delivered soulfully and calmly with the deepest of care.

My coach and toughest critic (Hsu Yi) – Always with the best of intentions, my source of tough love and my blind spot mirror who kept me running strong.

My anchors (Lai Har, Jessie and Serene(s), Elsie, Patricia, Sally, Minny) – shoulders to cry on, patient listening ears, hands that prayed for me and just all round awesome people keeping me safe, sane and socially connected.

My angel in the darkness (Jolanda) – in the first moments when my world fell apart, for being there in the lonely early morning hours to be with me.

The men (my brothers, CJ, CK, Moses, Mun Dart, Edwin, Robert, Yap) – I know it’s IWD, but hey, I had a few good men who were just as sensitive and strong sources of support throughout and could always be counted upon to be a balanced voice of reason. And a few of them who knocked me out of my comfort zone to rediscover how to live life again!

And of course my thankfulness to God for putting not just these guardian angels on the path along my journey but also many other people who played a role big or small in cheering me on and refilling my cup to overflowing with God’s grace.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!

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“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes” ~ Neil Gaiman

Posted on March 7, 2017 by sticky rice

I came across author Neil Gaiman’s blog recently and reading through it, was struck by a beautiful post from the author made on New Year’s eve. It reads:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistake, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”

It’s a few month’s into the new year, but better late to the party than never. So I am going to start (keep) making mistakes today, tomorrow and forever. Are you?

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The discipline and reward of giving space

Posted on March 7, 2017 by sticky rice

I spent the past day and a half being an observer in a new leadership workshop we are starting to deliver around the world. Meaning I have to keep my thoughts to myself and listen furiously and observe intently with a view to give feedback to the central design team for tweaks that might be needed.

If you know me well, this is HUGELY difficult. As an extroverted facilitator who always has a point of view, thinks she totally knows what she is doing when it comes to facilitating workshops and who is passionate about leadership development, this was going to be a serious practice of holding back and giving space while suspending judgement. One of my best girl friends once told me a few years ago that I can be a bit of an opinionated facilitator when I get too comfortable in my area of expertise and that I might need to take a large dose of humility in order to be more effective in enabling others (Ouch! Talk about TOUGH love! We are still great friends by the way).

So in the spirit of growth mindset, I spent the whole of yesterday trying to keep my hand(s) down (think Hermione Granger from Harry Potter) and my mouth shut (which was helped somewhat by growing up in the Singapore school system where you don’t open your mouth until your teacher calls on you to speak when he/she acknowledges your enthusiastically waving arm).

While I managed to quieten my physical self, I found it much harder to quieten my mental self, suspend judgement and eliminate my personal facilitation biases and preferences in observing how the training was going. The day was draining and I was more task focused on the observer’s brief. I was quietly critical (probably a little passive-aggressive!) and less reflective. I did learnt a few new things but gained no insights nor deepened my self-awareness (my loss) and probably didn’t make a deep connection with the facilitator of the workshop (my opinionated facilitator self was probably leeching out). This did not sit well with me but I could not quite figure out why.

With the dawn of a new day, I got a second chance as the new day presented me with a reset opportunity. Really trying harder to suspend, my eyes were opened to what can be. I noticed how I was still wanting to jump into the discussion and push it one way or another in the way I would see the discussion topic. BUT NOW, with a self-controlled grace of letting that take a backseat, I was able to listen to what the participants were saying and how their discussion was evolving without input from me (and for that matter without much input from the facilitator). It was not my words that they used as a platform and I was okay with that. The participants got to where they needed on their own, without my framing and guidance (which would be my answer and not theirs anyway). And that is learning truly at its best.

So I am going to keep practicing this new muscle I have discovered – to keep quiet for a lot longer as a facilitator to allow the space for the participants to make their own discoveries and to be comfortable and respect their source of truth as a much more powerful driver of change than my source of truth would be for them.

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